My hat goes off to you, great effort! I can honestly feel where you are wanting to take this. I am a very eclectic producer and writer, so I can really appreciate various styles of musical art.
Work on the melody's deliverance (singing), only because it sounds as if you are "reading" the lyrics and the lyrics (melody) should flow and sound natural, as if you're speaking to the listener. Once again, I am a fan of this particular genre and style (although I don't get the opportunity to produce it much), so I' not trying to be cynical.
I can't wait to hear what it sounds like after you complete it. I hope you post it for us to enjoy!