Hey, I like this track! Has an Alan Parsons vibe going on along with some trippiness.
As far as your reference speakers go, while it is good to have a good pair of monitors, it is more important that you know your monitors/speakers. Know their tendencies, know your space. You are doing the right thing by listening in other environments. That will tell you things. But honestly, I thought the mix was solid. My ears are telling me it needs some proper glue on the mix buss and some low/high filtering/shelving so that it has some more air/sparkle, but the mix is pretty solid.
Nice track. Looking forward to more.