Allow me to present some closure.
Focusrite is a great company and this is the 2nd time they solved my issue over the phone, just when I was about to return the unit.
It was as simple as this: a different USB port.
It's possible the onboard USB port I was using is 1.0, if not an early 2.0... I plugged it into my 3.0 Card and it worked like a charm.
Thanks for all of the attention and great suggestions, folks!
Feel free to enjoy my knob upgrade video.