* C O N F I D E N T I A L *
Above Top Secret: The SPAM Conspiracy
40+ years of Government Coverups Unmasked
(c)1994 by O.H. SPMM
This classified document could not possibly have been procured via
standard "government approved" FOIA channels. Much of the information
was covertly supplied by special agent Richard "Spam-Meister" Dotie
and the rest was provided via channeling a trans-dimensional 5th
density Pleiadean entity referred to as O.H. Spmm. It should be noted
here that even though the intended meaning of the name "O.H. Spmm"
in fact, an acronym for the phrase "[The] Original Holy Spam", many of
our proud culture who disdain these sort of monarchial titles referred
irreverantly to the entity as somewhat of a distasteful lunchtime
"Oh Hell, Spam [...again!]". Needless to say, we were not amused by
this childish display of governmental irreverance.
The reader is cautioned at this point that the data contained herein
is disturbing in nature and may cause an overall disrespect for and
distrust of the U.S. government who, in their vampire-like compulsion
to control every aspect of our existence and our free-will choices,
have conspired against the American people to produce this hideous
processed food substance against our will. Indeed, when the very
foundations of culinary existence are shaken and challenged, what
remains is little more than a quivering mass of gelatinous jello-
brand gelatin, yet another substance which is utterly devoid of any
redeeming nutritional value.
Historical Significance of Spam:
When allied forces invaded the secret underground bunkers of Nazi
Germany at the end of WWII, they were somewhat befuddled to find
special top secret factories geared up for the mass production of
some heretofore unknown quasi-meat substance. The German blueprints
made cryptic references to an undisclosed "Uber-Meat" which was
refered to as "Schpammme". Orders were subsequently issued to
terminate these factories with "extreme prejudice". All production
of the anomalous substance was halted, all records destroyed,
and the factories bombed into oblivion.
However, previous to this mass destruction (and unbeknownst to the
bulk of the intelligence community), the German "Schpamme-Kopfs" (or
"Spam-Heads" as they were subsequently labeled) were whisked away from
these plants via top-secret "mystery choppers" by the trans-galactic
"Men in Pink" (henceforth referred to as "MIP"s) under the direction
of Allen Dullest, who used this core group of ex-SS (Society off der
Schpamme) agents to found the U.S. CIA (Culinary Intelligence Agency)
under the top-secret operation "Paperclip". This secret culinary
society in turn spawned the now all-too-powerful NSA (National Spam
Activists) who now covertly run this country and, indeed, the bulk of
international religio-political affairs.
But these covert elements of the U.S. government are not entirely to
blame. In fact, they are little more than pawns for the International
Spam Consortium known as the Bavarian Illuminatti (which,
enough, spelled backwards is "Ittani-mulli Nair-avab", or, as you are
probably aware is the, "Italian Multi-National Nair Consortium"!). It
is interesting to note at this point that the illustration on the back
of US $1.00 bills is that of an uncompleted pyramid of spam cans
with the "all-seeing eye" (an all-too familiar trademark of the Spam
Consortium) and labeled with the Latin phrase "Novus Ordo Spamus
Seclorum" (which, loosely translated, means "The New Secret Order of
Spam"). Is it mere coincidence, my inquisitive friend, that the
original purchase price of a tin of Spam was _exactly_ one dollar?
The phrase "Annuit Coeptis Spamus MDCCLXXVI" (which means 1776- the
Year of Spam's Conception) also appears on the same insignia. Could
it be that these German "inventors" of Spam were not the true creators
of this diabolical other-worldly meat substitute after all? Famed
conspiracy guru and author of the book "Secret Societies and Spam
Warfare", Michael A. Hoffmeister II alludes many times to this most
elusive Spam Consortium and their true purposes in revealing to the
culinary intelligence community at large some of the esoteric data
(transliterated from the ancient Enochian language) regarding the
manufacture and distribution (but _NOT_ the true purpose and intent)
of the demonic pink chunks [Spam].
Many have recently become aware of the conspiratorial mechanisms of
the society of the "FreeMasons" yet, to my knowledge, no one has
uncovered the true underlying _purpose_ of this covert sect. 33rd
degree insiders who have recently defected from the cult have informed
us that their chief goal was to, and I quote, "...fill Mason-jars with
the pink chunky stuff [Spam] and offer it _Free_ of charge to anyone
who would care to partake of the disgusting slop". Hence the name
FreeMasons. Yet they too were merely pawns of the spam-dominated
and spam-influenced Illuminati.
In light of the new revelations from the ancient Enochian texts
mentioned above, 1776 could not possibly be the highly touted "Year
of Spam's Conception" as 1776 was merely the year of rebirth
(renaissance, if you will) of the Spam dogma mentioned in the ancient
Enochian texts. In his most excellent treatise, "The 12th Can of
Zecharia Zitdown has uncovered evidence that ancient Egypt's
predecessors (the Sumerians) were, and I quote, "...exquisitely
skilled in the esoteric arts of Spam production and pagan rituals
which involved Spam worship and consumption. That this wisdom was
originally acquired by the Sumerians from extra-terrestrial visitors
is made clearly evident by studying many of the Sumerian petroglyphs
which have been unearthed in recent archelogical excavations. Many
of the glyphs depict scenes in which short, gray-skinned hominids
climbing from strange disk-shaped vehicles are portrayed as imparting
the sacred wisdom of Spamology to the previously unenlightened
Yet there is far more information available to establish the
relationship between Spam and the ETs. Recall, if you will, Tony
M. Pthonh's rather bizarre documentary on PBS which, for reasons
of national security, he was forced to encrypt into the comedic
stylings commonly referred to as "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
(the reader will note that "Monty Python" is, in fact, a direct
anagram for the anonymous author's name "Tony M. Pthonh"). In one
encrypted episode which was probably the hidden reason for production
of the entire series, there was a group of people heartily singing
"Spam Spam Spam Spam...Wonderful Spam, Wonderful Spam!" Please
take special note of the entities chanting this mantra. That's
right- they were "Nordics"! This is a crystal clear warning to
us from Mr. Pthonh that the Orion Nordics are using subliminal
programming via the mindless chanting of cryptic mantras alluding
to the "wonderful" nature of that most hideous pink slop employing
orgasatic subliminal CIA/Alien mind-control technology. We have
been warned! It becomes, at this point, clearly evident why the
Hebrew God Jehovah established the Kosher laws for his people and
banned the ingestion of pork (one of the principle ingredients of
Spam) for all who wished to remain undefiled.
Current Relevance of Spam Technology:
One of the first pioneers in uncovering the current iteration of the
Spam Conspiracy (which has left virtually no part of our history
untainted by it's insidious tentacles) was Cmdr. Bruce Cathy whose
revolutionary book "Harmonic 666: The Bridge of Spam" bared the
roots of the conspiracy for all to see. In his writings, he describes
a grid of electro-magnetic flux lines ("Spam-Lines" as he calls them)
which, even though undetected by most modern scientific instruments,
appear to have a very pronounced effect on all creatures inhabiting
this biosphere. Although there were others who attempted to unmask
the conspiracy (Tesla's "Free-Spam" devices, Reichian "Spam Collection
Devices", Jung's "Spam Archetypes", Einstein's "Unified Spam Theory"
which attempted to document the sub-atomic "Spam Particles" and their
relation to quantum physics vis a vis "Schroedinger's Spam", and the
ever-popular George Hunt Williamspam in his 1952 treatise "A Message
Our Spam Brothers via Short-Wave Radio"), none were as effective or
elusive of pursuing government agencies as the brilliant Commander
Few have grasped the connections between these macro-cosmic earth
lines and the micro-cosmic acupuncture meridians which course through
the human body with the proliferation of the New York subway system.
It is a bitter shame that our government has sought unceasingly to
squelch any and every form of Spam-awareness technology which comes
down the pike.
On the subject of Spam-awareness technology, few are aware of the true
nature of the "Philadelphia Experiment". This was a brazen attempt by
the US Navy to create a new Spam permutatation which consisted of
traditional Spam (on toasted rye) with a layer of Philadelphia Cream
Cheese employed as a "flavor-enhancer". The results of this unholy
alliance of incompatible foodstuffs were disasterous! It is reported
by a Mr. Carlos Allendespam that those who did survive the experiment
were so deeply disturbed as to be rendered little more than babbling
idiots. Let us heed the lesson therein. In a separate yet related
vein, the reader is encouraged to research the covert activities
which took place in Montauk, NJ. To document all of the heinous
atrocities which took place in the notorious "Spam Room" at Montauk
is beyond the scope of this document. Suffice it to say, however,
that recently declassified Soviet satellite photos clearly indicate
a huge Spam manufacturing plant which appears to be fully operational
at the supposedly abandoned Montauk base.
Spam and the Pyramids:
The hieroglyphic markings on the now-opened sarcophagus located in
the "King's Chamber" room (at the top of the "Ascending Passage" in
the ancient Egyptian pyramid of Khufu seem to be a description of
what the "coffin" once held. When comparing these hieroglyphs with
DNA readings of scrapings from the inside of the "coffin", it becomes
increasingly evident that this was not a coffin at all, but rather
a very large container of Spam! It is interesting to note that the
dimensions of the "coffin" are _exactly_ the same as those employed
in our more modern Spam containment modules!
Yet these similarities are not confined to this planet alone. When
studying the "Cydonia" region of Mars (Viking Orbiter frame 35A72),
you will discover a massive perfectly formed face. To increase
resolution, we employed a proprietary JPEG enhancement algorithm and
were shocked to discover a fascinating detail on this ancient face.
If you look closely at the upper-left incisor of the face, you will
notice a small, pinkish deposit lodged between the incisor and it's
neighboring bicuspid. Spectral analysis revealed the nature of the
deposit- SPAM! Richard Hogland will soon be releasing this finding
to the public if he can squeeze out of NASA's death-grip of secrecy.
It has been reported to us by certain anonymous members of the
scientific community that they have witnessed some very strange
goings-on in a top secret CIA/Alien underground lab near Dulce,
New Mexico. Apparently they have observed certain alien species
(probably the Orion Greys) monitoring large vats of amber-colored
liguid with pink chunks of Spam floating on the surface. Similar
reports have come to us from scientists who have spent time in the
top secret government base near Groom Lake referred to by those "in
the know" as Area 51, S4, or "Spam-Land". Can you begin to see the
monumental proportions of this trans-galactic conspiracy?
In fact, one such scientist who allowed us to use his name, Bob
Lasar, reported that he was hired by EG&G to reverse-engineer
certain alien "artifacts" which the government has kept hidden
from the ever-prying eyes of the public. He reports seeing a
poster of a large can of Spam suspended in mid-air by some unknown
means of anti-grav propulsion with the title "They're Here..."
Lasar claims that the craft are powered by element #116 which,
when successfully synthesized in this dimension, looks and tastes
exactly like (you guessed it) Spam!
Chemical Analysis of Spam:
In order to perform an accurate analysis of Spam's contents, we
took 2 separate samples (one purchased from Vons and another from
a nearby 7-11, both chosen at random) and as a control sample, we
utilized CalCan's "Doggy Delight", a rich and very robust delicacy
which our test subjects described as, and I quote, "Good bouquet and
good nose. An impudent blend, tart but not overbearing". At any rate,
we were surprised to discover in both Spam samples the existence of
several short-lived radionuclides:
Table 1. Radionuclides in Samples 1A and 1B But Not In The Control
Radionuclide | Abbrev. | Present | Present | Half-life
| | in 1A | in 1B |
Lead-203 | Pb-203 | Probably* | No | 12.17 days
| | | |
Europium-146 | Eu-146 | Yes | No | 4.6 days
| | | |
Tellurium-119m | Te-119m | Yes | No | 4.7 days
| | | |
Iodine-126 | I-126 | Yes | No | 13.02 days
| | | |
Bismuth-205 | Bi-205 | Yes | No | 15.31 days
| | | |
Vanadium-48 | V-48 | Probably | No | 16.1 days
| | | |
Protactinium-230 | Pa-230 | Yes | Yes | 17.4 days
| | | |
Ytterbium-169 | Yb-169 | Yes | No | 32 days
| | | |
Yttrium-88 | Y-88 | Yes | Probably| 106.6 days
| | | |
Rhodium-102, | Rh-102, | Yes | No | 2.9 years
Rhodium-102m | Rh-102m** | Probably | No | 207 days
* "Probably" indicates identification somewhat short of certainty,
due to low activity.
** "m" means "metastable." Rh-102m has the same number of protons
and neutrons as Rh-102, but its nucleus has a different physical
configuration. The two isotopes have different half-lives but, for
our practical purposes, the same ancestors and decay products. We
thus treat them as a single isotope.
The Power Structure of the Conspiracy:
Lets briefly review the following organizational chart:
| | | | | |
Thule Free Knights Club Adolf Skull
Society Masons of Malta of Rome Hitler & Bones
| | | | | |
| +------+------+ UN/WHO +------+-----+
Montauk | &Alien/CIA |
Project Presidential AIDS Plan= Nazis/SS
| Assassinations 75% genocide |
| | by 2000 |
| | |
CIA NSA NSC
This, of course, is a highly simplified diagram but it is important
to note that at least in planetary terms, the Spam Consortium are
the ones who wield the true power.
The "Horrible Truth"
Why has our government kept the truth regarding Spam hidden from us
all of these years? Because they have sold us out to the aliens in
trade for some paultry beam weaponry and mind-control technology.
The agreement stated that if we would ignore the cattle mutilations
and "look the other way" when they abducted our citizens, they would
provide us with the bargained-for technology.
In reality, it wasn't such a bad deal. We would come off looking to
the entire world as though we had extremely large penises and all we
had to do was let them kidnap, "rape", and implant mind-control
into approximately 1 in 40 of our blissfully unaware citizens. All
abductees would be returned to their point of origin and have no
conscious memory of the traumatic ordeal. Unless they went to a
shrink and engaged in hypnotic regression, they'd never even know
what hit 'em. Such a deal, eh?
But why the cattle mutilations you ask? Simple, this was a
to draw our attention away from their secondary goal: to secure pigs
for the production of yet more Spam so that they could, in turn,
accomplish their primary goal: to secure "properly seasoned" human
glandular extracts, their "food of choice".
Because of an atropied digestive system, the aliens cannot eat food
in the same manner which we do. They secure glandual and hormonal
extracts from us then dip their body parts in the "broth" and absorb
what they require via osmosis. But here's the catch, humans which
have not been subjected to metered doses of Spam, just don't taste
that good to them. It is a simple equation, actually- No Spam, no
This is, in fact, the purpose of the alien's "anal-probe". This
is used to extract fecal matter from the lower intestine to see if the
human "meal" has been properly "seasoned" with enough Spam. If there
is enough residual "seasoning" [Spam], the human is cut up and placed
into one of their feeding vats. If not, he or she is implanted with a
bio-electronic device which causes the implantee to crave more Spam.
It is a simple matter of culinary economics. As the aphid is to the
ant, so are we to them. As we treat cows, so they treat us.
You can begin to see at this point why the government has gone to
such great lengths to keep the "horrible truth" hidden from us and
why there is such a strong inter-galactic drive to cause us to ingest
The Debunker's Job:
The debunker's role in all of this is to convince us that there is no
Spam conspiracy. That everything continues as it always has.
the status quo. Keep 'em pacified and ignorant. This is what they
hired to do. They do derive a certain warped glee from this work-
feeling intellectually superior to the rest of us and enjoying the
fencing with us on a level which they feel confident in. In truth,
however, Mr. Glass and Mr. Oberk, not unlike the boys from Langley,
are merely pawns in the grand scheme of things and are, in fact, being
toyed with by entities who only chuckle at their linear 3-Dimensional
arrogant pomposity. They too, you see, will inevitably take their
turns with the anal probe and will greet their horrific fate in the
Mr. Abductee: "I just saw a huge container of Spam in the western sky"
Mr. Debunker: "No you didn't, you bonehead, that was only Pork &
Mr. Abductee: "But they abducted me from my bed in the middle of the
Mr. Debunker: "You only dreamed that"
Mr. Abductee: "Then how do you explain these vivid memories of a
shoved up through my nasal cavity and the subsequent
incessant nosebleeds or that disgusting anal probe?"
Mr. Debunker: "You are only recalling your first visit to the doctor
as an infant or your first experience with a pedophile"
Mr. Abductee: "Then why do I have this sudden craving for more Spam?"
Mr. Debunker: "We all love Spam. Spam is good. Spam, spam, spam,
Wonderful Spam, Wonderful Spam! I am not paid to say
this, by the way."
I can only offer you this one final suggestion, Mr. Debunker. When
you see that little old lady with the obsequious smile on her face
headed your way with that plate of lovely Spam sandwiches and hot
RUN LIKE HELL!